Monday, August 18, 2008

Evil Genius

I haven't posted in a while. I'd like to say it was because I was waiting for all the Breaking Dawn craze to be over and so I wanted to keep that up for a while longer, but no. The truth is I couldn't because my computer had to take a trip to the Apple store for a week because of the work of an Evil Genius.
Here she is...


Don't let this face fool you, check out the sinister eyes and the You-know-I'm-up-to-no-good grin. This is my evil genius. I have come to realize she is an evil genius because she fills all of the following requirements.

1. She has an evil sinister belly laugh (I will try to record this for you and put it up, but trust me, it strikes fear in the hearts of grown men)

2. She is constantly searching the house for any and all kinds of "secret" lairs. I often find her hidden in the pantry, trying to squeeze under her crib, sitting in a dry tub for no apparent reason. She hides behind doors and jumps out at you squealing and "evil-genius" laughing as she runs away.

3. (and this one tips me off the most) She answers to no man, leaving a wake of catastrophic destruction in her path.

4. She tends to monologue. We have no idea what she's saying, but it's a monologue nonetheless. Trust me, it's scarier to NOT know what she's plotting...

I can already tell you are thinking I'm crazy. I'm not. Beware of the hypnotizing effect of that crooked smile and uneven dimples for those are her greatest weapons!

Two weeks ago Vivie decided to "help" me clean the house. Unfortunately she thought cleaning meant taking a bottle of resolve carpet cleaner and a steel wool sponge to my leather sofa. Not the best of combinations. I'm trying to figure out how to fix it, but I think I might just let her go crazy on the whole thing just to even up the damage.

Now, for all of you who are about to send me and email about the dangers of babies handling chemicals and how I'm the worst mom ever and should be reported to the department of blah-blah-blah, let me explain something. First, she is almost two. I know she doesn't look it, but she is--and she's hitting those terrible two's a bit early. Second, she is the most curious ankle-biter ever born and is very physically advanced in what she can do. Third, she is crazy small, like doesn't even hit the charts small. So, here I have this ridiculously curious almost two year old who has already figured out a way to open all cupboard latches because HER ENTIRE ARM fits into the small space that opens and she also has the dexterity to then use her arm and hand to open them. Child proof locks are useless. Of course I still use them, but in the meantime, we have duct taped the cupboards shut, bungee chorded, you name it--she's figured it out. I did not know she had the resolve spray, I had given her a benign spray bottle filled with water, she decided it wasn't good enough, went back to the cupboard, and exactly five minutes later my leather couch was ruined.

About a week after that, she decided to move onto her next venture, and that was thwarting Mom's computer time. It's no secret her biggest competition for attention in the house (aside from her sister) is this computer. I work here, I play here-- it's a time sucker. Last Saturday, I came downstairs only to find my purse (which had been shut away in a cabinet) completely emptied out and the entire contents of my wallet strewn about. Not surprised, since it's happened numerous times before, I gathered everything up and realized I was missing all my credit cards. I scoured the house for an hour and then finally concluded that they must have been stolen the night before when my purse had been left unattended for a little while. I went to the computer to look up the card numbers to report them lost only to notice something strange sticking out of the DVD drive. A pair of min tweezers helped me remove two bank cards and a grocery member card from the slot, but it was obvious there was some thing still in there.

At this point I had to leave the house in a rage in order just to calm down and I left Jon to the task of trying to retrieve whatever else was stuck. No success. Two days later I took a trip to the Apple store and was told the repair and replacement would be costing me $500. The evil genius strikes again!

Little did I know, she was more genius then evil. The next day I received a call from Apple repair. When they took apart my DVD drive, despite being completely munched up from the cards, they could tell there was a manufacturer's default in it and my repair and replacement was done completely for free. Here's the kicker; in another week the warranty would have been expired and would have never been covered after that. See folks, she was doing me a favor! Maybe an evil genius in the house isn't so bad. Now if she'd only stop drawing her world domination plans all over my walls with a permanent Sharpie...

7 comments:

Amylouwho said...

Is she in league with my Alison?

small, clever and curious. sounds very, VERY familiar.

glad you are back! i've been wondering where you were!

Sara Walker said...

Wow, what a blessing in disguise. I love Apple. We have never been that lucky with warranty. Seems our stuff breaks the month AFTER the warranty expires. Sorry about your couch!

allyn said...

the face is quite deceiving, indeed.
crazy stories. but, i must say, that she comes from a long line of extremists. if your going to do it, do it big; go all the way. isn't that your family motto?

Contessa Vanessa said...

Yes Allyn,

We have been known....

Debbie said...

Oh my goodness! She is too cute!!! But what a little devil!

Erin J. said...

Cole and Vivie can never meet- they'd take over the universe together! They are VERY alike! :) Good luck with that girl! And thank goodness for hindsight- a way to see blessings in disguise after the rage passes (trust me, I know.)

RhondaLThomas said...

Hee hee! LOVE it! Have you tried the magnet locks?