Cows

Here's a little social studies lesson, Vanessa Contessa style. (This is compliments of my totally awesome brother in law, John, who's blog never ceases to crack me up.) My favorite has to be Polynesian Capitalism.

• SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.
• COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk.
• FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sells you the milk.
• NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoots you.
• FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes the milk and by his grace lets you live.
• TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
• MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
• CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
• AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and open a successful local dairy. Then you have to close down cuz Wal-Mart comes to town.
• POLYNESIAN CAPITALISM: You have 8 cows and are happy to spend them all for Mahana.
• ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. Al Gore convinces you to pay him money because their farts increase the greenhouse effect.
• VEGETARIANISM: Cows are people too. So if you own two cows you own two people, and that’s slavery, so you’re evil.
• ANARCHY:You have two cows. Your neighbors kill you, spray-paint anarchy signs on the cows, and pierce themselves in various places.
• DEMOCRACY: You have two cows and everybody votes on how to divvy up the milk.
• REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
• BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad.
• JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so you don’t loose face. The gangsters drop the milk on the way back to the hideout and then have to cut their pinky fingers off.
• AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: A politician from the heartland promises to give you two cows if you vote for him. After the election he is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.
• POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated* with two differently-aged, but no less valuable to society, bovines of a non-specified gender. (* = the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past.)
• COUNTER CULTURE: Dude, you got to have some of this milk and write about it on your blog. And don’t forget to fight the power cuz it’s all our parent’s fault.